NEWPORT STEROID SCANDAL: Best and Brightest Caught in Totally Crustaceous Trouble

Newport was pumping...almost as much as the roid-heads on the beach.

Major League Baseball has Barry Bonds. Track has Marion Jones. Swimming has the entire East German women’s swim team. And now surfing can add Dustin Cuizon to that HGH-infused list. Nobody in a million years would have figured pro surfing would suffer from the same growth hormone scourge as more mainstream sports, but if you made it down to the beach this past weekend for Volcom’s Totally Crustaceous Surfing Championships experienced a scene only Balco would be proud of.

Don’t let the gray skies and onshore flow fool you, Muscle Beach (aka Newport, aka The Hottest 100 Yards, aka Echo Beach) was fully flared and completely pumped up this weekend. With a collection of the most dynamic, and ripped, up-and-comers on hand for a burly little shoulder-high south swell, it was flex or be flexed. Throughout the three-day affair the varying weight-classes—the Roid Ragers, Keg Tossers, Jock Straps, Iron Curlers and Squat Thrusters—juiced up and took to the surf. Erica Hosseini looked good in her bikini, Albee Layer showed off his new layer or muscle, but more than anyone it was Hawaiian superman Dustin Cuizon who power-lifted the most.

“It was a full on scene down there,” reported Surfer photographer Jason Kenworthy. “Everybody there was like a full-on body builder—it was crazy, like Venice back in the ‘80s.”

But Cuizon’s big win in the Roid Ragers division leaves one question: Is he juicing? Is he the next Neco Padaratz? After all, how could a kid from Hawaii win in such cold water? Paddling with a full suit requires and exorbitant amount of strength, especially for a kid from the Islands. But how else could he dominate so completely? I guess we’ll just have to wait for the congressional hearings to find out what Dustin’s really been up to.

ROID RAGERS (PRO-AM)
1. Dustin Cuizon - $15,000
2. Dustin Barca - $7,000
3. Alex Gray - $4,000
4. Bobby Morris - $3,000

KEG TOSSERS (JUNIORS)
1. Albee Layer - $10,000
2. Nat Young - $5,000
3. James Woods - $4,000
4. Andrew Doheny - $3,000

JOCK STRAPS (GROM)
1. Shayne Nelson - $8,000
2. Keanu Asing - $5,000
3. Caio Ibelli - $4,000
4. Sidinho Guimmaraes - $3,000

IRON CURLERS (GIRLS)
1. Erica Hosseini - $7,000
2. Sage Erickson - $4,000
3. Kyla Langen - $3,000
4. Kelia Moniz - $2,000

SQUAT THRUSTERS (AIR SHOW)
1. Kilian Garland - $7,000
2. Marcelo Trekinho - $3,000
3. Ratboy Collins - $2,000
4. Josh Hoyer - $1,000
5. Aaron Cormican - $0
6. Dustin Barca - $0