SO YOU WANT TO BE A SURF BUM

The board may be battered and the beard long, but this guy hasn't had to put on a suit and tie in more than a decade.

Of all the stereotypes surrounding surfing, nothing pervades society like the image of a “surf bum.” You know him, the blonde haired character on T.V. whose sole job is to be unmotivated and worthless. Yet even as we’re mercilessly degraded by people with very little quantifiable knowledge about the sport, there’s something universally appealing about the surf bum. They may not be successful in conventional terms, but surf bums have a lot more going for them than the average layman. They’re motivated in a quest of passion. So, next time you find yourself scooting out of the water in a rush to make it to the office on time, think about what it would be like to live the alternative: to consciously bum it up. To laugh in the face of financial instability and to avoid work at all costs. If you’re interested, these are a handful of tips to keep your broke ass out of the gutter and in the water.

1.) Couch it:
No self-respecting surf bum trades currency for living space. But if you must shell cash out for board, check popular websites like Craigslist that commonly rent half-rooms, bunks and crawl spaces near the beach at a fraction of regular cost. Aside form saving money, any one proposing dodgy deals like this is bound to be a bum too, so you’ll be with like-minds.

"No self-respecting surf bum trades currency for living space"

2.) Electricity is not magic:
For the most efficient use of electricity, think outside the box. Try re-heating left-overs in a warm car after it’s been sitting in the hot sun for a satisfying post-surf snack. Insist, if you must pay part of the bill, that the house be left in dungeon-like darkness at all times of day. Providers often charge less for nighttime electricity, so be cognizant of any appliance use. 200-800 ceiling fans can be powered with the same amount of electricity as one dryer, so hang your boardshorts on a line. Then again, who washes boardshorts anyway?

3.) Take a hint from Granny:
You don’t have to be 90 to appreciate supermarket promotions. Sure, it may be the crappy, re-hydrated orange juice devoid of any nutritional value that’s on sale, but are you really willing to compromise your wave count for fresh squeezed? Clip those coupons! After a five hour session in the middle of the day, you won’t even notice that the turkey baloney you’re mauling tastes like old gym socks.

4.) Grab a Free Ride:
Between rotting domestic pipelines, turmoil in the Middle East and home improvement projects of wealthy oil execs, gasoline costs make it economically infeasible to drive a car anywhere on a tight budget. Taking public transportation is cheaper, but takes forever and rarely drops you right at the beach. The solution? Get creative. A scooter or moped gets over 80 miles to the gallon, parks anywhere, and easily props a surfboard on the back. Plus, chicks love ’em (you’ll tell yourself that anyway.) Other solutions? Break out your finest 80’s attire to compliment your rollerblades, or hitch-hike on a garbage truck. Do whatever you must to get to the beach. Since you have no real responsibility, making it back home should be an afterthought.

5.) Throw pride out the window:
There are a million different ways to demean yourself in order to continue your reign as a broke surf bum. Keep that free-refill cup from Taco Bell flowing for days, and take a few (hundred) extra ketchup packets for the road; a nice addition to your home-cooked hot dog later that night. Eat lunch by sampling all the meats at your deli without deciding on a specific purchase. Implore your friends to send leftovers in your direction. Do everything you can to get fed without opening your wallet. If you’re going to surf all day, you’ll need the spare change and the protein. A little imagination like this will go a long way toward keeping your lifestyle going, effectively allowing you to retain your Grade “A” Surf Bum status for life.